Smiling so often felt so strange yet so unstrange on his face. Like the muscles had grown unused to it, while at the same time, the lack of smiling, for years, was what had really been the strangeness and the strain. He was astonished at how quickly he reacted to this as normal. When he thought he'd gotten so good at retraining himself, accepting it would never happen again. Maybe if it was anyone other than Lily…? —No, it could be no one else. No one except Sirius suddenly, impossibly exonerated. Anyone else, not even James or Peter… what was done would not be so abruptly undone. It could only be Lily.
And Harry. That was still unreal to him. Maybe he'd start to believe it when they were there. He hadn't even met Harry before That Halloween; he'd been too embedded with the werewolves—and thus too set in dark mindsets even when briefly among others. He'd also assumed, After Halloween, that he, Remus, was too dangerous, in circumstances too unstable, to ever be allowed great exposure to Harry. Let alone take any responsibility for him—which would have been the one thing he'd have stayed for. Dumbledore had denied him that, too, but that one, Remus had accepted without challenge. Now he realised, with warmth of minor revelation: it was also because of Lily. Time couldn't be rewritten, but thinking back on it knowing Lily was still alive restored it a bit more colour and light.
All this thrummed through Remus's whole nervous system as he carefully tucked away the books for Harry; a small handful but carefully curated, balancing muggle and wizarding, entertaining and educating. He wondered if he could dare start a chapter book with Harry and hope to continue it… how many bedtimes would he be allowed to be around for… how close to Harry and Lily he might be allowed to…
Where will you live? What will you do for full moons? The thought darkened his mind. But at the same time, that might be where Dumbledore came in. …Even if not… it had been suggested, once, that Remus might be given custody of 12 Grimmauld. He rejected it then. Perhaps it was a thing to face, after all, now.
He should probably do so in advance, but he decided to tackle these things—even worry about them fully—later. When he was fully convinced he was awake and this was real. He was far enough from the full moon. There was time to maneouvre. …Indeed, he could come back here for his usual stint locked in the cellar. He'd work it out. He couldn't try to anticipate or plan too much in advance. He didn't know enough about Lily, their relationship now, himself, (what he might even want let alone what might be reciprocated,) anything, to dare, and it didn't feel survivable to try. That's all right. They It would be worked out as it went.
Remus finished and closed the bags, turning to Lily. "That should do it."
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And Harry. That was still unreal to him. Maybe he'd start to believe it when they were there. He hadn't even met Harry before That Halloween; he'd been too embedded with the werewolves—and thus too set in dark mindsets even when briefly among others. He'd also assumed, After Halloween, that he, Remus, was too dangerous, in circumstances too unstable, to ever be allowed great exposure to Harry. Let alone take any responsibility for him—which would have been the one thing he'd have stayed for. Dumbledore had denied him that, too, but that one, Remus had accepted without challenge. Now he realised, with warmth of minor revelation: it was also because of Lily. Time couldn't be rewritten, but thinking back on it knowing Lily was still alive restored it a bit more colour and light.
All this thrummed through Remus's whole nervous system as he carefully tucked away the books for Harry; a small handful but carefully curated, balancing muggle and wizarding, entertaining and educating. He wondered if he could dare start a chapter book with Harry and hope to continue it… how many bedtimes would he be allowed to be around for… how close to Harry and Lily he might be allowed to…
Where will you live? What will you do for full moons? The thought darkened his mind. But at the same time, that might be where Dumbledore came in. …Even if not… it had been suggested, once, that Remus might be given custody of 12 Grimmauld. He rejected it then. Perhaps it was a thing to face, after all, now.
He should probably do so in advance, but he decided to tackle these things—even worry about them fully—later. When he was fully convinced he was awake and this was real. He was far enough from the full moon. There was time to maneouvre. …Indeed, he could come back here for his usual stint locked in the cellar. He'd work it out. He couldn't try to anticipate or plan too much in advance. He didn't know enough about Lily, their relationship now, himself, (what he might even want let alone what might be reciprocated,) anything, to dare, and it didn't feel survivable to try. That's all right.
TheyIt would be worked out as it went.Remus finished and closed the bags, turning to Lily. "That should do it."